Monday, May 22, 2006

Trip to the Grocery Store

One of my many tasks since my wife has been pregnant is to roam the grocery store in search of the powdered (or chocolate) bag of donuts for the wife. Of course she likes me to buy other items (such as Diet Coke), and I never complain. It's funny how many other men you end up seeing at the grocery store. I guess I've gone quite a bit more than many of them have considering their lost gazes and their wish for a map. It's funny how most of the lost men end up in the area either near the beer or near the already prepared fried foods (I guess they are nostalgic for the days when they were in college and unable to cook..why not let my friendly neighborhood Krogers cook me some fried chicken for the fourth night in a row).

I ran into a very scary sight as I rounded the corner of frozen foods (where the ice cream is located)...a Kroger employee handing out free ice cream drumsticks...not just a small drumstick..but the whole 500 calorie treat. Free ice cream in the frozen food aisle is like an unspoken alert to the many fat heffer cows that are grazing the grocery store aisles. As I turned the corner into the frozen foods..I thought Kroger's had put up a 'old fat heffer lady grazing' sign. I walked toward the free ice cream and I swear that I ran into about five to six 250 -300 lbs women in their 50's or 60's with a drum stick in their mouth. They looked hungrier after walking a few aisles of Krogers than an ugly hooker on a well lit street corner. I didn't bring my lasso to Krogers and therefore I chose to walk down another aisle to avoid the ice cream grazers.

Well, I got my shopping done and made my way to the checkout lane of Krogers. One of the ice cream heffer cows and her 16 yr old calf jumped in front of me in line. The heffer's cart was so piled down that you would have thought that the wheels would have been giving off sparks. Before the woman handed over the Kroger card, she handed the cashier 2 empty bottles of Diet Coke to scan..I guess they thought that the Diet Coke helped mask the effects of the Drum sticks. For some reason, the heffer must have thought the ice cream was delicious because she proceeded to unload 10 boxes of ice cream sandwiches, about 7 twelve packs of regular Coke, 2 or 3 Super size bags of Doritos, and the kitchen sink. The woman bought so much that the poor bag boy had to go find a second cart to put all the brown paper sacks in. Needless to say, after my Krogers experience, I wanted to go run 10 miles. I'm not the most in-shape person, but damn people, don't you heffers ever look in the mirror or watch your car sink to the ground when you get in? Guess they all drive jacked Ford super duty trucks.

Hope that someone gets a kick out of my grocery store rant. It's amazing to see the crazies every week. Grill up a steak for me...and open a box of ice cream sandwiches.

Currently listening to:
The Stills
Without Feathers
Released: 5-9-06

1 comment:

jonny said...

mmmmblaaaargh! me am fatty. me wish my keyboard was made of butter. i would eat it.