Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Intern

You ever just want to slap a hippie? Over the past 2 weeks I've been managing a job where I was given an intern to assist with the work. I know that interns are supposed to be impressionable and somewhat annoying, but my God, this intern has driven me up the proverbial wall. When I define hippie, I must explain the elements that make up a hippie:

1. Overly impressionable by any form of print media/Unable to think issues out clearly: My hippie just recently decided that she didn't want to eat meat anymore. When probed as to why, she simply says that she read a book about the mistreatment of animals and how meat packing companies deal with meat. So this girl being 25 has really eaten meat for about 24 years, but just because another hippie told her it wasn't right, she automatically decided that she didn't need it either...damn crazy woman. I swear that going out to a meal with this hippie is an experience in itself. It probably takes an extra 15 min to order a simple meal because she has to probe the preparer as to 'what the food was cooked in,' whether it was 'around any type of meat,' or hell, if the food actually has feelings and had a sexual relationship with a piece of meat...shit..she might as well have asked this last question.

2. Extremely concerned with recycling and the environment: I swear that no one in my group can drink a can of Coke without this chick asking ' are you gonna recycle the can.' I mean what's the freaking deal. I also have to listen to her bitch about someone printing a report on paper. She says that we are killing the poor trees. I just wanted to print a 500 page report..glance at it for awhile and then set it on fire on the table while she watches..heck, I could throw the recycled cans in the fire and do a funky dance.

3. Over promotion of the movie Brokeback Mountain: I don't want to see a movie where two guys make out and attempt to make brownies. Seriously, I'd rather sit through Bambi or the new Deuce Bigalow while shaving my nutsack. Whenever I say I would rather not watch Brokeback, she tries to say that the movie is not about homosexuality...its about love, understanding, and tolerance. Yeah, I understand this much, ... I love me some tits and I don't tolerate 2 guys trying to make brownies. For all this hype, I find it funny that Hollywood claims that it's not trying to promote an agenda. Yeah, and Iran is only attempting to work with uranium to provide power for its people..uh, doesn't Iran have all kinds of oil.

Well, I think I've said my peace tonight. Maybe I can tie down the hippie, feed her a porterhouse, while feeding her a coke out of a can, while using plastic silverware, and while sawing down a tree. Think I would make my point?

1 comment:

jonny said...

Dear Brian,
I am sorry to hear that you are having problems with hippies. I will offer you a few suggestions for dealing with these poor personal hygiene having, vegan, pieces of shit.

1. I think I know what book the hippie read that turned her against meat. I believe that is was written around 1906 and was called "The Jungle." The meat packing industry has come a long way since the days of grinding up employees and selling them as sausages. If you don't want to eat meat, fine. I'm going to eat it. If you give me shit about it, then I hope you choke on your fucking tofu burger in front of your children. On second thought, you better not have any little hippie children. You are forbidden from procreation.

2. Recycling is the biggest rip off ever. You have to pay a fee for your junk to be recyled? Not me. I saw an expose on the news about trash trucks in Memphis taking things to be "recycled" to the same dump as the diapers that had shit in them. Doesn't it require more energy to recycle a can than it does to make one from scratch? Take my nonrecycled Diet Coke can and shove it up your hippie ass.

3. Ok. Brokeback Mountain. I guess I'm okay with two guys railing each other's o-rings if that's their perogative, just don't expect me to watch it or condone it. Sure, this may be a sweet love story about gay ass sex, but let's not forget that one faggot cheated on his wife and broke the vows that he made to her. That's wrong wheter you like to suck cock or not. Alternate title: "Jizz-on-the-back Mountain."